Monday, August 10, 2009

Signs of Life

It's strange, I've seen a little bit of passion in my life lately - just a touch.  Don't get me wrong, I'm passionate about my family and kids - but this is something different.

It has been a long time.

When I hit 25/26 with no career and no real future, I started reevaluating my decisions.  It wasn't that I regretted anything, indeed just the opposite.  I knew when I decided to focus on music during my high school and early post HS years that I was sacrificing my educational and career side.  I was taking 'a flyer' on music as a career - but I'm not sure I ever really thought about it as a life long path.

Another sacrifice during the music years was my intellectual and academic interests.  I completely dropped my interest in learning, advancing, exploring anything to do with academics, technology - anything outside of music really. When I reevaluated my life, this all changed.  I decided that I needed to refocus on the things I had left behind, and (as I am wont to do) immediately swung the pendulum to the extreme other end.  I dropped all musical interests and focused solely on academics, career and family.

This worked great for the most part.  I think the next ten years of my life were the most productive years I could have hoped for - and I eventually caught up from my years of 'slacking'.  Unfortunately, what I didn't realize is that I had completely removed my creative outlet.

The pressure I had put on myself was extreme - to 'catch up' - exactly what I wanted.  To prove to myself that I could do it, could perform at a high level. What I didn't realize was that without the designated outlet, pressures find a way to release in other areas.  I became a much more stressed person that I was originally, much more uptight, much less forgiving.  Eventually anxiety issues crept in and forced me to confront many of the issues I had long since buried away.  I then realized how removing one facet of my life and removing the creative outlet was really affecting all aspects of my being.

Given our recent move into a new home and the settling back into routine, I now find that I have had a chance to relook and rediscover some of my old music interests and it has jolted and reignited my passion for music and a  little.

So, I'm rebuilding my music world piece by piece.  A computer here, a keyboard there - a mixer, some mics, a guitar.  Further, I'm re-initiallizing my songwriting.  Its hard, and the flame keeps wanting to go out - but I'll continue to blow on the embers and feed it kindling in the form of equipment and song ideas and "purposeless play".

No comments:

Post a Comment